Writing dialogue: show, don’t tell

Source: Wikimedia Commons public domain
 photo (with text added by the author).

One of the mantras in a creative writing class is “show, don’t tell.” In other words, in a work of fiction, show the characters doing things (performing actions); don’t talk about them doing things. The distinction can be subtle. For example, instead of “the man became frightened of the approaching train,” rather write that “his face turned pale and his eyes grew wide as he saw the train rush toward him.” The reader will “get it” from the details you provide that this dude is scared of the onrushing locomotive.

Another way to “show” characters doing things is through effective use of dialogue. Dialogue can be used in nonfiction as well as in fiction. For example, you may have conducted an interview with a source and want to insert a portion of the interview directly into your essay or research paper. Or you may be reconstructing dialogue from a past event based on recollections of the participants. Also, nonfiction authors sometimes write hypothetical dialogues to set a scene or illustrate a point.

At any rate, several years ago, as part of a lesson on writing dialogue, I took a passage of dialogue from a published story and reworked it so that it was badly written. So that it “tells, not shows” – the opposite of what a good writer strives to do.

Here is my rewritten passage of dialogue, taken from the short story “The Shelter” by Rod Serling:

      Paul came up from the basement and asked his father what else he should bring downstairs. Paul’s father asked his son if he had brought all the canned goods to the basement. Paul said that he brought all the canned goods to the basement that he could find. Paul’s mother, Grace, asked the boy if he had cleared out the fruit cellar. Paul said that he had.

      Paul’s father told his son to get his bag from the bedroom and to bring that down, too. Paul asked about the books and other things. Grace became angry and shouted at her son, telling him to get his father’s bag.

Clearly, this passage as currently written is wretched. It talks about people talking instead of showing them talking (through dialogue).

Here is the (so much better!) original:

Paul came up from the basement.

“What else, pop?”

“All the canned goods down?”

“All that I could find.”

“How about the fruit cellar?” Grace asked him, keeping her voice steady.

“I put all those in too,” Paul responded.

“Get my bag from the bedroom,” Stockton said. “Put that down there, too.”

“What about books and stuff?” Paul said.

When Grace spoke her voice broke and the words came out tight and loud -- louder than her son could ever remember, and different, too.

“Dammit! Your father told you to get his bag--!”

Show, don’t tell.

© 2014 Bob Dial.  All rights reserved.